I’m just going to be me.

I know for sure, that I am absolutely not alone. I know that there are many of us, who’ve wondered what about ourselves we can change in order to just be accepted. We, who have taken the opinions that others have cruelly spewed out publicly about us as truth over our own certainty of the amazing human we know we are. Whether or not your inner dialogue of self-sabotage started when you were a young child or later as an adult it doesn’t matter, all that matters is that it’s got to stop.

It has taken me a very long time to stop putting so much stock in what others think of me. To understand that’s it’s really none of my business what others think and to finally understand that all that matters is what I think of myself. To live this life to the fullest, this precious life I’m no longer going to waste doing things I don’t want to do to try to please people. Things that aren’t in alignment with who I am and what I believe in. It’s now time to look forward, not back. To forgive myself for causing hurt, and to forgive those whom I’ve let hurt me. To embrace the big, wonderful, exciting world out there and all it has to offer.

Ten years ago, I moved to a new town where I knew no one and tried to fit into a whole new, very established world. It was really tough for a long time. I let my insecurities of being the stranger – the new girl – control me. I never knew what to say; I over-thought everything, and when I did say something, it seemed that I had usually managed to offend someone. After a lot of years, tears and heartache, I stopped trying so hard. I decided to live my own life, doing the things I liked to do, whether or not it fit in with whatever everyone else was doing. Trying to fit in obviously wasn’t working, I am a different person with different interests, and I now understand that that’s okay. The people who are in my life are there because they want to be and it’s okay that those who aren’t don’t. It doesn’t make them bad people but there is no point in forcing it. There’s nothing genuine in that and I’m too old for fake relationships.

The genuine relationships matter – the fake ones don’t. Nobody wants to be remembered for pretending to be a good friend. We all want to leave behind a legacy of love and integrity.

I now know that my awkwardness towards other people – especially women – is my issue, it’s a manifestation of my insecurities. I used to blame others for how they made me feel. How crazy is that? The one thing you truly have control of in your life is how you feel and how you react to others. Blaming everyone else for making me feel my feelings is a pity-party that needed to be shut-the-fuck-down!

So, I quit trying to turn myself into what I think other people expect or want me to be because it is only hurting me. I stopped dwelling on the negative comments made by people who don’t know me, don’t understand me, or for some reason feel intimidated by me and therefore try to protect themselves by tearing me down. That is their problem, not mine. I will also stop being the person who myself does that to those who intimidate me. Instead, I will use those crazy feelings of inadequacy and insecurity to learn from and to better myself, and lift others.

To those who fuelled the drama seeking gossipers and those who over the years have pretended to be my friends… thank you. You taught me that I was tougher than I thought. That I could handle some of the most hurtful things that women can say about and to each other. That the tears and hurt eventually go away. That I should really trust my gut. And that sometimes, I deserved it.

There are those who actually took the time to get to know me. Those who – regardless of how weird, awkward, and intense I am – are still my friends and I love you. Really. You are part of a special tribe of uniquely badass humans.

Every single one of us is awesome. We all have that spark that makes us special. A kind heart. A fierce passion. A uniqueness that sometimes is grossly misunderstood and that’s okay. Get out there and be the completely awesome YOU you can be!

Compliment the stranger in the checkout line on her fabulous laugh. Make funny faces to entertain the fussy toddler in the grocery store instead of judging his mom. Smile at people instead of blindly trudging along, growling about things that don’t matter. See what happens next time you’re out and about and you see someone who seems awkward, abrasive, quiet, bitchy, shy, loud, odd, or uncomfortable… maybe take a second and put your own issues aside and try to see the real human in them. Because we’ve all been that awkward, uncomfortable person at one time or another, and a simple hello and a smile can go a long, long way.